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Level up your connections by swapping out boring, auto-pilot questions for meaningful and memorable ones.
There is a magic chemical messenger in our brains called dopamine that when released makes us feel good. That feeling you get when someone tells you they have a present for you...that's dopamine. Smelling cookies in the oven, going shopping or eating comfort food are all examples of dopamine triggers. It's your brains way of rewarding you and encouraging you to repeat a behavior.
Outside of an instant rush, dopamine also has a direct impact on memory formation and can commit to memory the interaction or experience caused by the initial release.
Pretty cool…but what does this have to do with you as a leader or the questions you ask people? Everything.
Vanessa Van Edwards and the research team at Science of People have uncovered in their research that questions can have varying effects on the release of dopamine. Depending on what questions you ask, you can either trigger a dopamine release that makes people feel rewarded and joyful as they answer and that they will remember. Or it can have the opposite effect.
They found that certain questions like "how are you", “what do you do” or “where are you from” actually produce no connections and can make you feel tired. The interaction brings no feelings of reward, no joy, no excitement and therefore not memorable. Which is crazy because think about how often we use these on a regular or daily basis! We may think we are making connections, but in reality it’s the total opposite. We get stuck on autopilot.
I had the privilege of seeing Vanessa Van Edwards speak on this subject last week at the Global Leadership Summit. She spoke about how leaders can create more meaningful and memorable connections by understanding the 3 levels of connections and by asking the right questions to move from one level to another.
Here is Van Edward’s guide for moving through each of the 3 levels of connection with the important people in your life:
Level 1 Questions: Search for moments that "lit them up"
What was the highlight of your day?
What's your personal passion project?
Working on anything exciting these days?
Have any fun plans coming up this weekend/vacation/holiday?
How's [Hobby/Family Member/Project]?
Level 2 Questions: Uncover what they are striving for
What's your biggest goal right now?
Are you learning anything new right now?
What book, TV or movie character is most like you?
What's weighing on your heart or mind?..And can I help you with anything?
What's your story?
Level 3 Questions: Define who they are or what is missing from their identity. These questions bring us below the surface. It gets us off autopilot and into belonging.
How do you feel the most misunderstood?
What's something most people don't know about you?
What forces shaped your personality and made you who you are?
Who is your hero?
What's the proudest moment of your life?
Active Listening
According to a recent article from Inc., active listening skills are the foundation for superb human connection, yet it's one of the least taught skills in leadership training programs. "Studies confirm that most of us are poor and inefficient listeners. When you talk to your boss, co-workers, or customers for 10 minutes, studies indicate we pay attention to less than half of the conversation." We are all guilty of this.
So be sure to eliminate distractions, make eye contact, put your phone away, don't interrupt, listen with the intent to remember, put yourself in their shoes, set your next comment or thoughts or opinions aside and watch your body language.
Your Challenge This Week
Find an opportunity this week to be brave, turn off auto-pilot and engage in conversation leading with just one of these questions.
Maybe it's in a 1x1 with a team member or manager. Maybe it's kicking off a weekly team meeting with a level 1 question for the group to individually answer. Maybe it's that few minutes of small talk with a colleague or client while you wait for that last person to join a Zoom meeting. Maybe it's in the break room at the coffee machine. Maybe it's at the time clock during a shift change. Maybe it's with your family at dinner. Maybe it's when your spouse finishes their work day. Maybe it's when you pick your kids up from school.
If you find yourself about to ask an autopilot question, stop yourself and quickly swap it out for a better question. It may feel weird. They may get caught off guard. But be the exception. Take the initiative. Break the social scripts and start creating meaningful and memorable connections with others. And above all else, listen. Listen with your full attention and with the intent to remember. That is what true leadership looks like.
And I promise you, people will go back to their normal routine and responsibilities feeling different, feeling lifted, feeling positive and they will remember that you made them feel that way.
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